Let it Go

At this point, that song is either loved or hated. Probably mostly hated by this point. Fortunately for myself, I was isolated and so I missed the entirety of the craze.

I have never been into the Disney Princesses – I have watched three of the films so far, and only because they weren’t the stereotypical story. I’m not a fan of cartoons in the first place, so while I am trying to widen my horizons: I am biased against them. So when someone told me about “Let it Go” as a song I was…..doubtful, at least. I certainly hadn’t hard anything about the film which had already released on DVD by that point. I loved playing piano, and my friend reccomended this song to me and I don’t even think I knew it was from a film to begin with.

As so many people have realised, the song – and in fact the whole movie is very much an analogy (or metaphor? I can’t remember which one it is) for depression. At the time I first watched the song, I was very much severely depressed. (Not that I am not depressed now, but I am significantly less depressed. And more self-aware when I am depressed. So I am not in exactly the same place.) I was trapped in an abusive home where I had no autonomy and had to be what my dad wanted or else…

“Don’t let them in — don’t let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal don’t feel – don’t let them know…”

So the lyrics resonated with me, and they were something I held on to. I could sing them when I needed an out and it wasn’t safe to say anything.  Elsa was me – she was responsible and she put others first no matter how tired or hurt she was. She was scared and struggling to do what was right, and that was me. I watched the movie at a time in life where I was just starting to figure out that how I was raised was not healthy or right, and I felt as though I was being forced into gloves and isolation and I wasn’t ready to live. I wasn’t ready to take the path that my dad wanted for me, and I so desperately wanted to not take it.

And so Elsa’s actions and scenes throughout the movie were — are — very meaningful to me.

But this post is not bout how the film deals with and shows depression. this isn’t even about how it affected me. This post is actually about how “Let it Go” and Elsa’s arc now even mimics my life as I left an abusive situation and am trying to learn how to recover.

….so it’s not technically about how it affects me….

At the time of “Let it Go”, Elsa has just run away from what she was expected to be – from the life she has been groomed for. She finally broke and lashed out, and to keep her family and her people safe, she ran away.

She looks around and sees isolation first – she is sad and scared and curled in on herself as she calls herself the queen of the stormy mountainside.

“The wind is howling like the swirling storm inside — couldn’t keep it in: heaven knows I tried.”

She is blaming herself and she is still trying to live by the rules she was trained in. She is still trying to be good – to control herself. To be normal.

Then she realises she is free and she can make her own choices. She realises that she can be herself – that she can let her true personality (or powers) out. She doesn’t have to worry about hurting anyone, she doesn’t have to worry about being hurt. For once she is finally safe and she is happy. She ‘slams the door’ on the past and what she was taught, and she makes a conscious decision to ‘let it go’.

When I moved out, I was scared at first. Sure, I knew that I could speak my mind and that I was my own person – but I was still scared. It’s hard to overcome years of habit and I still was very reticent. I tried to learn the rules and to live by them and tried to be what other people wanted. But as I spent time and moved on, I started opening up. I started thinking. I started experimenting. I am trying to learn what I think. I am trying to figure out who I am – what I like just because I like it and not because it’s what someone else wanted me to like.

“It’s time to see what I can do – to test the limits and break through. No right, no wrong – no rules for me: I’m free!”

So I let it go. I didn’t guard my tongue. I said what I actually thought. I stopped hiding my friends. I stopped hiding my preferences. I stopped apologising for myself. I starting wearing clothes that made me feel good. I started wearing make-up. I started watching movies that I was interested in. I started making political decisions for myself. I started setting standards for myself. I startd being open about what I believed – even about controversial topics like sexuality or abuse or submission or religion in general.

I mean – look at her. She goes from wearing a dark (understated, meant to be invisible compared to her sister’s vibrant dresses) dress that covered every single possible inch of her, to wearing something that was revealing in a flattering way and something that showed what she had always been. It wasn’t that it was a phase or a new development – it was just that she was never allowed to embrace it before. I was always vintage and I was always gothic – I just wasn’t allowed to fully embrace it. I was scorned just for wearing red lipstick – let alone anything else….

She is so happy, and I was so happy. It is….I can describe how lightening it is to finally be yourself. To get a chance to know yourself. And yeah, sure, that is massively depressing and overwhelming when you realise you are twenty and still have no idea who you are and that you are going through the identity crisis that most people go through when they’re thirteen or fourteen – but still! I get a chance to figure it out! And that is still amazing.

So I let everything go, and I was finally free and because I had no practice with normal communications or relationships or just civil disagreements, I inevitably hurt people very dear to me. To be fair, I was not the same person I was before when I was being abused – but I never censored myself and that….that caused severe problems.

And so in fear I tried to revert, but like Pandora’s box once the walls have been busted down, you can’t build them back up without incentive. And I didn’t have incentive anymore – which was good. So I struggled to go back to being what my friends wanted of me, and that doesn’t work either.

Elsa ends up being the one that is able to undo the curse, and she is only able to do it by embracing who she really is. I can have good relationships – but I have to respect myself too. I have to be who I am and if they don’t want that person, then it is not my fault. So what if I am morbid or macabre or perverted or sarcastic or just not as nice as other people? So what if I am emotionally stunted? I’ve made that clear from the beginning and that is not my fault.

Yes. I was abused. Yes. My choices now are on my head. But even so I deserve some consideration. If you will not give my feelings and my interests respect – you don’t have to agree with me to respect my differences – then you are hurting me. And not just because you might be ‘holding me back from God’, but because you are no different from my abuser.

I have value. I have worth. I am a person that can be loved. I am a girl that can be beautiful. I am someone who is deserving of interest for my own sake, and I don’t really care if you think that ‘contradicts’ the Bible. I will not be abused again. I will not let someone do that to me again. I am my own woman – I am no person’s property. I choose my own path; and while I pray I choose God’s will for my life, I sure ain’t going to mold my life to please those around me.

I give up. That is exhausting and wrong, and you know what? I will move on. It doesn’t matter if that means I will be alone for a while: at least I will be happy. I will be happy. I will heal. I owe no one anything so stop acting like I do. Stop acting like you are the ultimate judgement. If you are entitled to have your own opinion, then so am I. If you are entitled to have your own beliefs, then so am I. If you want to hear about my life, then hear about it. I’m sorry if it isn’t as nice as yours. I am sorry if it isn’t as happy as you think it should be. Don’t ask about my troubles if you don’t really want to deal with them.

Yes, I complain. Yes, I have problems with that and am trying to work on it but…. If you just want to hear about the good, then what is any of this worth?

So maybe camp this year taught me one thing: I have value no matter how differently I think from everyone else. Just because I am different doesn’t mean I am worth less.

“Here I stand in the light of day. Let the storm rage on – the cold never bothered me anyway.”